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(c) 2014 Sherman Lambert

(c) 2014 Sherman Lambert

When I was the same age my kids are now, my parents knew so much less about my social connections. For one, in my case, college and young adulthood happened away from my family. They were not part of those worlds for me, partially because of the distance.

But also, that’s just the way things were in those days. Did I feel alone sometimes? You bet I did. Did I wish for my parents’ advice? I can’t even remember but I don’t think that was how my generation operated.

Times change—so now most of us remain so much closer to our growing and grown children, even more so because of this trend for young adults to continue living in our homes.

Because of all this closeness, we experience our kids’ relationships with friends and partners in a much different manner than our parents did. All that drama of sorting out connections in our teens and 20s was somewhat removed from our parents, even though it most certainly happened.

My only children are twins so we in our family are always firmly in one particular developmental phase at a time. And maybe because my kids have no other siblings, they make the mistake of presuming other relationships will mimic the give and take of that twin relationship without having to set up boundaries or without having to articulate what they need from others because so often in their own relationship, they have known how far to push and when to give.

Both of them, though such different people, have very similar problems with others. Time and time again, when someone does not respect their boundaries or when others expect them to be the one whose wishes are subsidiary, they spend more time worrying about the other person’s pain and needs without realizing that their own concerns are not often reciprocated.

That is until they explode in the presence of those of us who are not the primary source of their anger, frustration, and hurt.

Whatever difficulties I may have experienced from my own growing-up years and despite whatever hang-ups I may have retained, I remain a somewhat naively-open and friendly person who presumes the best of people unless they show me otherwise. I expect to like my kids’ friends and partners and I want to believe that who each is is good and decent and worthy of my respect.

For a brief moment in my daughter’s life, when I was still in charge of driving her friends and her around, I forgot how complicated relationships in those years can be and just enjoyed spending time with various young people. But one-by-one, the self-interests rose to the surface. I did not like how my daughter was being treated, nor, how we parents were being treated. Somehow the clear boundaries between anyone’s parents and younger people that were present in my younger days made it easier for us to know that whatever we were experiencing with our friends, we should never, ever bring that into our dealings with their parents.

It’s as if by being friendly instead of formal, that we have invited ourselves into the disagreements of their age. Did one of the kids’ friends just use the passive-aggressive speech pattern he uses on them on me because he did not feel he received the proper attention from me? Did another young person get snippy around me because I did not concede on a casual matter? Perhaps there really was something to the Mr. and Mrs. titles we called our friends’ parents even years after we’d left our parents’ homes.

All I know is I’m tired of reaching out to people who respond to me with behaviors and attitudes we should only feel comfortable showing our own parents—if only because we are their own kids. It’s just good manners to be on better behavior in someone else’s family’s home or table or company.

And if this is how you are treating me or my family members when you presumably are tempering some of your behavior and words, I shudder to think how you are really treating my kids, who seem to continue to have soft hearts for people’s pains, even when said people cause a lot of pain to their hearts. No one said they or we were perfect, but it’s time for everyone—regardless of age—to figure out that none of us is. Barney was right when he sang that each of us is special, but he should have also explained that doesn’t mean some people get to be “more special” than others. Being in relationship means reasonable give and take, as well as forgiveness, comes from both parties.

As for me, just call me Mrs. Lambert and leave me out of your drama.

(c) 2011 Christiana Lambert

This long, divisive election season is over. Now what? And what have we learned?

Well, I think Facebook and other social media have revealed more about our friends than we knew before. Guess what? Turns out a lot of the people whom we like don’t think as we do. Go figure, right?

But, you see, that’s the beauty of what has been revealed—we live in a world of gray yet we want to put everything and everyone into little boxes. You’re with us or you’re not. You’re on our team or you’re not. The truth is a little closer to you and I are on the same team about certain aspects of life, but we’re not on other aspects.

And, yet, so far we have remained friends.

Seriously it’s too simplistic to believe that our friends will always believe exactly as we do. Beyond that, wouldn’t that be boring? And, would we ever be challenged to see beyond what we already think we know?

I think the real crime is when we treat each others’ causes/teams/beliefs as some sort of (trivial) sports competition. “Face! Our (insert person/ballot issue/party/etc.) won and yours lost!” Or worse, as some sort of winner take all life or death battle.

If we like someone as a person, doesn’t it behoove us to treat his/her different opinions with some respect—or at least treat that person with some respect even as we tell him/her we do not agree.

Maybe if we extrapolate what we learned about our friends this season to what we expect of elected representatives of other parties, we might stop demonizing the other side(s) and see that there might be some merit in getting along and trying to work for the common good. If I don’t start by believing you are inherently evil for what you believe, might I be able to listen to what you have to say and consider your words more carefully?

Because, for as much as I have hated the divisive nature of this election period, I have hated more the divisive nature of our political realities over the past decade or so. In the end, our founders intended to create a nation “by the people and for the people”—which meant the nation would be governed for the greater good, not for those with the loudest voices, the most power, or the most anything.

Which means we the people need to start listening and working with all the people, not just with those with whom we agree.

I pledge allegiance to this great country but not to how we have been treating one another. We are better than this, people, and once we remember that, we’ll get back on track. Indivisible doesn’t mean agreeing with everything, but it does mean we can’t let our differences keep us from providing liberty and justice . . . for all.

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